J. Holiday, Will Catlett, Spiderbitch, Paul and a Knife.

Note: This Story is way funnier when you hear it versus reading it. I cut it out of an old episode of Black Law and Legal Lies I’m going to see if I can find it.

I guess I should preface this story. This was way before both of these guys became famous, and Will only has a small role in this story.

A little backstory:
Will Catlett and I grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same schools, and played on the same football and basketball teams in the early 90s (shout to the Cora Kelly Cougars!). We knew Will as Bey-Bey back then. I have no clue where his nickname came from. We ran in different circles in the neighborhood but we were cool. I ran with the thugs, drug dealers, and criminals. Will ran with the athletes, pretty boys, and people with decent heads on their shoulders. I honestly don’t have any negative stories or negative things to say about Will. He was always a positive dude even in poverty. I was surprised to see him in a few commercials, shocked to see him on an episode of Insecure, and in disbelief to see him on Black Lightning. His success couldn’t have happened to a better dude.

J. Holiday transferred to the high-school in our city from another school and started hanging out with Paul’s cousin. We knew him as Nahum back then, some people called him Nate but I don’t know why. Paul’s cousin, J. Holiday, and 2 other dudes started a singing group in the late 90s called T’AKIR (pronounced Tah-Keer), which stood for talented and keeping it real. I have no clue why there was a fucking apostrophe in the name. They won a bunch of local talent shows and they were pretty dope. I still have probably one of the only remaining copies of their demo. We used to hang with them at Paul’s aunt’s house and Paul and I used to go to all of their shows just in case someone wanted to try them, we honestly were just looking for any reason to fight someone.

The story:
One day Paul was skipping class and saw Nahum’s GF kissing one of Will’s boys in the hallway, tongue all down his throat! Paul came to find us to let us know. I turned to Nahum and said, “you got to fuck that nigga up!” He agreed. For the next couple of days we were all looking for dude (I’ll call him Delvin for the rest of the story) so that they could fight. Honestly we all just wanted to see if Nahum would back up all of the shit he used to talk. Little did I know that at that time that my GF had beef with Delvin’s GF, I still have no clue why but she said it was on sight.

Numerous people came up to me to tell me that Delvin’s GF was TERRIFIED and didn’t want to fight. My GF didn’t care, and at the Homecoming basketball game it all went down! I remember seeing Delvin’s GF walking around the gym and I specifically told my GF, “please don’t fight her, she’s gonna fuck you up!” One thing I learned growing up in combat sports is that you NEVER fight someone who’s terrified of fighting you and doesn’t want to fight. It becomes life or death to them while it’s just a fight to you. The person fighting for their life usually wins. My GF responded with, “I’m about to go beat that bitches ass!” and took off running toward her.

As you can imagine the entire school crowded around them and people kept running up to me saying “Dan your girl’s fighting, your girl’s fighting!” I told them all that I know. I refused to go watch the fight or attempt to break it up because I knew what was going to happen. Paul and I went and sat down away from the fight. Paul was pissed because he wanted to see the fight. Finally the fight got broken up and someone drags my GF over to me… she got fucked up like I thought, but according to her she “beat that bitches ass.” I grabbed her by the arm, pissed off, and start to drag her out of the school into the parking lot before the police could find her.

On the way out we spot Delvin hugging his girl who had just won the fight, comforting her, and here I am dragging my ratchet beat up but still fine ass girl past them trying to get her out of there. My GF breaks free from me, and runs up to Delvin and his GF with me chasing behind her. Delvin steps in between them and naturally my GF did what was only logical, she yells “you bitch ass nigga!” then hawk spits in his face then turns to me and yells “beat this niggas ass Dan!” I’m like WHOA! HUH? WTF? Did you just spit in that dude’s face?!?! I’m literally watching the spit roll down his face and remember thinking how do you just spit in this dudes face then ask me to beat him up? If he slapped the shit out of you, I don’t think I’d even be mad!

Delvin made one major mistake though, since everyone was watching just as shocked as I was, he decided to act tough for the crowd. I wasn’t going to do anything up until that point. He looks at me throws his arms out and mutters, “so what you trying to do?” That’s all I needed, now I have to beat your ass bro and I’m not my girl.

I grabbed my GF again, by this time all you saw was blue police lights in the parking lot. I turned to Delvin and said something like, “you gonna see me later” and I pulled my GF through the parking lot. Paul and I walked her to my boy Mike’s house a block away with each of us holding one of her arms. I told Mike to keep her at his house until I came back. Paul and I walked back to the school talking about how I’m gonna catch Delvin off of school property and beat his ass, because MY GF spit in HIS face and he acted tough. To this day we still don’t know how the fuck my GF beat us back to the school and was up in Delvin’s face again. I remember thinking this Spiderman ass broad had to have jumped a few gates. Thanks Mike. She gets arrested.

Later on that night everyone went to IHOP after the Homecoming game. We go there looking for Delvin and spot him inside with Will Catlett. While in the parking lot we bump into Paul’s cousin and Nahum and we told them what just went down at the school. I told Nahum that he can fight Delvin first and if I needed to, I’d step in and clean him up. If not, I’d catch him another time since I really didn’t have much of a reason to fight him, other than my reputation. Nahum agreed.

Here’s where shit gets extra dumb.
Paul’s cousin and Nahum go inside to eat and politic. Paul and I stayed in my momma’s car that I borrowed for the night and we said we’d keep an eye out for Will and Delvin leaving. Paul’s cousin and Nahum said when they saw Will and Delvin get up to leave they would run out and follow us. We were going to follow them to Delvin’s house and “cash him outside.”

My dumbass parks the car right next to Will’s car. Paul told me 3-4 times, “don’t park right next to the car they’ll see us when they come out and know what’s going down.” I didn’t listen. I said I’ll start driving before they make it to their car. “Oh shit, here they come!” There wasn’t enough time to start the car and pull off so we recline the seats all the way back and closed our eyes as they approached Will’s car. We kept asking each other, “can they see us?” We kept telling each other nah, they can’t see us. I open one eye and Will Catlett is looking at us like WHAT IN THE ENTIRE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE DUDES?!?! I lie to Paul and say, they can’t see us.

They get in to their car and pull off. Nahum and Paul’s cousin came running outside and hop in Nahum’s car. We all follow Will and Delvin. Will realized we were following them and he started driving in a different direction from Delvin’s house. I pulled over and ran back to Nahum’s car (we didn’t have cell phones then) and told him to follow me because I knew a shortcut to Delvin’s house. We start driving toward Delvin’s house and the next thing you know Nahum makes a U turn and bails. Gone. Nowhere to be found. Paul and I get pissed that they’d bail like that. We still go to Delvin’s house. We beat Will to Delvin’s house and we waited.

Will’s car slowly pulls up to Delvin’s house and stops. Paul and I jump out and go running up to them. Delvin tries to cop a plea, “why do you want to fight me Dan?” Nigga because my girl spit in your face! It made no sense at all and he was just as confused hearing that as I was saying it. Then I followed up with “nigga you asked what I was trying to do, THIS is what I’m trying to do” and I swung. Delvin ducked the punch and grabbed me by my waist and tackled me against a parked car. I chuckled inside because I was calm and he was fighting for his life, exactly the type of person I said you NEVER want to fight. I shifted my weight and used his momentum against him to flip him over the hood of the car. I grabbed Delvin by the collar and dragged his head to the edge of the hood and put my elbow in his neck trying to close his airway (in retrospect that was stupid, he could’ve died). At this point I hear Will yelling, “chill Dan, chill! You got it man!” Delvin could barely talk, he kept trying to say get off me but he sounded constipated from a lack of air. Sounded more like he was saying coffee. To add insult to injury, with my elbow in his neck I yell for Paul to come steal Delvin a few times (punch him). Paul always wanted to jump into a fight and I figured what better time than now.

Will jumps in front of Paul to protect his mans, and extends both arms to Paul and says, this is a direct quote, “we gotta stop the violence brother! There’s too much black on black crime!” Everyone fucking pauses because it was so unexpected and convincing! I think we all agreed that he was right, then I went back to choking his boy out. Out of the corner of my eye I see Paul starts to walk up on Will, I yell over my shoulder “don’t touch Bey-Bey! He’s cool man!” Paul says, “I don’t like all that positivity shit” and continues to walk Will down. I let Delvin go to go grab Paul because Will was legit the homey, I wished he would have never been caught up in that situation. A situation he had nothing to do with.

I grabbed Paul by the jacket and said come on man we’re out. As I did that I glance up at Delvin who randomly yells out “HE’S GOT A KNIFE!” and starts running full speed down the street. I said WTF? Who got a knife? Will, Paul, and I are all looking at each other wondering who had a knife. Once we all realized no one had a knife Delvin was a block away. I chased after him. He ran for about 2 blocks into a 7-11 and grabbed a police officer so I turned around and sprinted back to the car, said “my bad” to Will and we left.

The next day the police pulled Paul from class and questioned him, I had long dropped out of school so they couldn’t get their hands on me. Paul denied we were ever there essentially saying Delvin made the entire situation up. With no evidence, they let Paul go. I somehow still got banned from all of the high schools in the city.

I like to say that Will Catlett’s acting career started that night. He was convincing enough for everyone to stop for a split second and say, “yeah there is a lot of black on black crime tho.”

Paul’s cousin later told us that J. Holiday “can’t fight, he got lost on purpose.” We figured. 

Years later Nahum ended up in a relationship with my spiderbitch GF from earlier, for whatever that’s worth.

The end.